I Don’t Want To Be Cho Chang.

For a costume party, I wanted to be Hermione Granger. My friend laughed at me and told me that I had to be Cho Chang or no one would get it. But I didn’t want to be Cho Chang, no one wants to be Cho Chang but apparently I didn’t have any other choices.

One day we all picked what princess we wanted to be. I was assigned Mulan. I didn’t have a choice. I have nothing against Mulan. I think she’s badass but I just wish I had a choice.

One day I made the mistake of telling someone that I didn’t like sushi and they laughed and said “But you’re Asian.” I told someone I didn’t like math and they said “But you’re Asian.” I said I was an English major and someone said, “But you’re Asian.” I was so confused. It not only made me angry but it made me feel like I failed at something I didn’t even know I was participating in. I didn’t understand why me being Asian had anything to do with my likes and dislikes.

I met a boy once that told me that he didn’t date Asian girls. He said that Asian girls weren’t his type. I sat there and wondered if he would like me if I was white. Would he have tried to get to know me more if I was? He didn’t even care if we were compatible or not, he just didn’t date Asian girls.

I met another boy who said he wanted to date an Asian to see what that was like. I didn’t understand what that meant. Would dating me be an experience he can put on a resume? “I dated an Asian once. It was an interesting experiment. She really liked me but I was only in it to see what it’s like to date someone of a different race.”

I didn’t realize that my ethnicity played so much into my love life. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal to some people.

Whenever I got accepted into anything, my friends would say, “it’s probably because you’re Asian.” I know they didn’t mean it but it made me question everything. “They probably wanted to fulfill the diversity quota.” I don’t think they understand that they were saying that I wasn’t good enough to get in, that I only got in because of how I looked. It makes me feel small and useless.

“You’re just here for decoration.”

Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. Sometimes you have to make fun of yourself. Sometimes you just gotta be a good sport about it. Sometimes you gotta laugh it off. Sometimes when someone tells you to open your eyes, you have to brush it off so that you won’t want to go home and rip out your eyes so people would stop saying that.

That way it won’t hurt as bad. That way you won’t hate yourself as much. That way you learn to survive better.

One day, I woke up and realized that I wasn’t colorless. One day, I woke up and I couldn’t be Hermione Granger anymore.


For Better Things: God ain’t playin’ with you.

I literally cannot stand the saying, “Maybe God is just waiting to give you something bigger.” Like I have to sit down when I hear that shit because I’m like “I gotta sit down because you are trifflin’ all over the damn place.” I get it. I know God is probably doing his thing up there in Heaven like he’s looking down at me and being all, “Girl, wait til you see this shit. It’s about to craaay up in this HIZZZAYYY.” In my head, God is a hustler. He’s up there, wearing 3 chains, with diamond grills and stunna shades. PS: I’m going to Hell.

I’m just saying, it’s very hard to read God. It’s actually right there in the Most Impossible Things That Will Never Happen category right above my love life. All I know that it’s important to trust in God when it’s the hardest to do so. When you feel your heart falling out of your chest and you just start asking all of the why questions, it’s when God is relying on you the most to trust him. God is going to do amazing things with your life despite what you believe because He is God and God doesn’t play. Ya feel?

It’s easy to be hateful. It’s easy to be mad. I’m not saying that being grateful for terrible things is what you need to do. Oh hell to the no. You can be hateful all you want. Life sucks. If you are one of those people who can see the good in every bad, you are one hell of a person and I would like to learn from your ways. It’s just that we learn a lot from hurt. We remember the lessons of pain more than happiness. It resonates deeper. I wish I didn’t but as humans, we dwell on the bad more than the good. Maybe God is trying to teach us through pain because of how loud the lessons are. Maybe if we just train ourselves to learn more from happiness, God won’t have to teach us through all the crappy things in this world. Maybe you’re not listening and God is just like, “LISTEN TO ME. I’M TALKING TO YOU. HEY. DON’T YOU IGNORE ME. I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR YOU TO BE IGNORING ME.” Maybe these are things that have to happen for something we can’t fathom. I don’t know. That’s my point. I have no idea. That’s the point of faith. To believe in something greater than yourself when you feel smaller than anything you’ve ever felt. So have faith. Why not believe in the bright side rather than just sitting in the dark? You have nothing to lose from it. It might be hard but you would probably feel so much better telling yourself that everything happens for a reason and that God is working his magic, conjuring up some awesome shit for you. Life would suck more than anything if bad things happened and that was it. You’re probably a good person and bad shit happens to good people all the time but all success stories comes from the most disheartening beginnings. If that isn’t quote worthy, I don’t know what is.

You’ll be fine in the end. That’s all I’m trying to say in this post. Regardless of what you believe, you’ll be okay. Life will be life and you just have to learn to be better than life. You survived everything that has been thrown at you and you’re still awesome. See, you’ll be juuuust fine. I believe in you. You can do this.


So even though I hate the saying that God is waiting to give you better things, it doesn’t hurt to believe in it.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I’m sorry it has been so long since I last posted. Thought I’d come back with some inspirational shit to be like “YEAH, I’M STILL HERE. BAM.”

Stay awesome, you guys.



How My Sorority Made Me A Better Person

My freshman year of college I decided to go through sorority recruitment. It has changed my life in so many ways.

I think it’s important to remember that life isn’t perfect. Life wasn’t meant to be perfect. Everything is flawed. We have to learn to be okay with this fact. Greek life isn’t perfect. There are some hardcore things that are wrong with it but isn’t that the same with a lot of different things in life? I dunno, stuff like our government or our society?

I love my sorority. I love Greek life. This does in no way mean that I love all sororities and all Greek life. There are some where I’m just like “oh no, please get your lives together, this is important, children.”



In this post I am going to talk about why my sorority has made me a better person.

You don’t become a better person by everything working out and never making one mistake. You become a better person by choosing to be a better person despite the hardship you are going through.

My sorority has taught me some of the most valuable lessons this world has to offer. I have grown in so many ways ever since joining. I have become stronger and better. I learned what it means to be a good person and what it means to be a bad person. I learned that no matter where you are, there will be bad people but there will be a lot of good people.



You do not and cannot like everyone in your sorority. That is impossible with any large group of people. There will be people you do not get along with. There will be people who do not understand the things you are going through. There will be people who judge you. There will be people who do not agree with you or your life choices. However, there will be people who make you feel like awesome. There will be people with whom you could spend forever with and never get bored. There will be people who understand, accept and love you. There will be people who will stand by your side until the end of the world.

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I will admit that there are times when I question whether I made the right choice in joining a sorority. There are times when I feel like I do not belong at all. I however understand that that will happen wherever you are. You will question your choices. The only difference is that every time I am feeling low about being in a sorority, my sisters will remind me why I joined and why joining was the best decision I have ever made in my life. My sisters will never fail to make me feel confident in my choices, whether they know or not.


I think a sorority wasn’t made for everyone to get along perfectly well forever. I think a sorority is to bring together women who share a common goal of becoming better people. Isn’t that what we look for in life, to be surrounded by people who share a similar goal? Aren’t we all wanting to be surrounded by people who want to be better people and want to better the world? Don’t we all want to surround ourselves with people who will better us as individuals? Well that’s what my sorority is to me. These women have taught me that being a better person is choosing loving everyone around you and even though there will be difficulties with everything that you face, you’re gonna be fine.


To be a better person, you have to learn to change your situation and seek the good rather than dwell in the bad. If you don’t get along with someone, find someone else that you get along with. If you are feeling down, find something that makes you awesome. My sorority has taught me to love the life I am living and to be able to be proactive in finding my own happiness.



My sisters mean everything to me. Each and every one of them have shown me what it is like to thrive in a world that is constantly trying to shut you down.

The world is like:




And I’m like:

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Every time I find myself falling into my own darkness, I find the strength to pull myself out because of the lessons I have learned from my sisters. So yes, things will never be perfect but I am growing to understand that perfect is impossible but happiness isn’t. I am making myself a better person and I owe it all to my sorority. I have a purpose in life and I have developed a love for the good and the bad. I have accepted the fact that there will be hard times but I have not given up on the good.


So thank you, sisters. Thank you for allowing me to grow and prosper with you all. Thank you letting me see the world from a brighter and better perspective. Thank you for saving my life.




He and I

I wake up, he held onto my body tight.

I feel him grasp the air from my lungs. He would only give it back if he wanted to.

The morning light would creep into through the windows and he would ask me to stay.

“I have things to do.”

“So? Just lay here with me. Forget the world out there.”

He wouldn’t let go. He would never let me go.

The sun would slowly descend and I would be alone with him.

He would hold me tight, sway me back and forth.

“I think I need space.”

“You don’t need anything but me.”

I could hear him scream through the doorway.

He would throw me against the wall and scream.

I’ve been out too long. I’ve been with my friends.

My friends no longer call. They say that they don’t like how I am when I’m with him.

I’m with him all the time. They can’t handle the two of us. He prefers it that way.

At night, he tells me all the things I am:

Pathetic, boneless, useless, a waste of space, fat, ugly.

He also tells me all the things I’m not:

good enough, worthy, a good person, beautiful.

He sometimes whispers them until they are etched into the insides of my skull.

He sometimes screams them until it is all I’ll hear.

“Please, stop.”

“You don’t tell me what to do. I tell you what to do, you piece of shit.”

He takes over my body until I am a shell, a shelter for him to hide in.

That night he told me that if I wanted to be away from him, the only way was to die.

So with every ounce of my body, I tried.

He realized that night what I would do to be away from him.

He finally loosens his grip and steps away.

I don’t know what it’s like to be without him. I’ve been with him for so long.

He’s all I know. This is the longest I’ve been with anyone.

He says that he loves me and that he will never leave me.

He will stay with me forever.

Since that night, he doesn’t hurt me anymore.

Maybe it’s because I’m stronger now.

He doesn’t yell at me much.

Maybe it’s because I stopped listening.

He doesn’t get angry when I go out with my friends.

Maybe it’s because I don’t care what he thinks.

It’s a process to get better.

Maybe one day, we’ll go our separate ways.

For now, we just need to focus on getting better.

For now, what we have going works.

It’s going to get better because it was only get better from here.


This was inspired by a poem I read earlier. The poet personified his battle with depression and I really liked that idea of giving the illness a more tangible explanation. I hope you guys liked it. I hope it wasn’t too much. Thanks for reading, you guys.





You Do You: Conforming to the Art of Belonging.

I think a lot of us spend our lives trying to fit in. We throw parts of ourselves away in order to be a part of something that we think is cool. We try so hard to belong. We fear being ostracized so much that eventually we stop being ourselves. This might all just be me but I think we all do a little bit of it once in a while. I mean who doesn’t want to fit in?

I’ve been thinking a lot about belonging. I have come to the conclusion that I do not belong to this world. “Well that’s a weird conclusion to come to, Jonny. You’re weird.” Yes, I know. I never fit in anywhere. I never really belonged anywhere. I tried my whole life to find a place, to feel completely comfortable in my skin and in the place I am in. I tried so hard. I have not found it. I don’t really think I ever will. I know, I’m just 20, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m serious though. I don’t think life is about fitting in. I think society wants us to believe that. I think the world we live in try to feed us this concept of throwing yourself away in order to belong, that who you are isn’t good enough. We summarize this in the word “normal”. No one is normal. We all have quirks about us that society won’t approve of and that’s fine. It’s fine to not belong. You don’t have to belong anywhere. You weren’t meant to belong to a society where they tell you that your likes and dislikes are wrong. You really don’t have to try so hard. People will hate you and people will judge you regardless of who you are. It’s just the way the world works and sometimes it’s hard to swallow but it’s just what it is. We are on this earth for a limited amount of days and then we are supposed to go to where we really belong. I believe for me that is Heaven. I believe that I do not belong to this world because I belong with God. This world isn’t mine. I don’t really want it to be mine. I have never once felt comfortable being in this world and I’m okay with that. I’m actually happy about it. Why would you want to be comfortable in the world where they tell you who to be and what to do? Why do I have to hide my true self? Why do you have to stop liking the things you like because society tells you it’s wrong? If you like it, then like it. Who cares what others think? They are probably too busy trying to hide the things they like. I swear if we all just stopped caring about what others are thinking, it would be a marvelous place. While you are wondering what others are thinking, others are wondering what you are thinking. It’s just a mess.

You were never meant to belong to a world where they try to stifle who you really are. Stop trying to fit into a society where they put you in a box that’s too small for you. Don’t belong to a world where they keep telling you that you are wrong. You shouldn’t have to hide your light. If you ever feel left out and you know that you just don’t belong here, it’s a good thing. Why would you want to be included in a world that expects everyone to be clones of a figure that is impossible to replicate? You don’t have to like the things other people like. You don’t have throw yourself away. You shouldn’t throw yourself away. You were made to be different in a world that’s all the same. You were meant to not belong. You were meant to stand out and be someone that shows the world that belonging does not mean scratching away parts of you until there’s nothing left. The only person you belong to is yourself and God if you believe in that. You were made beautifully and there might be things about you that I don’t agree with but that’s fine. There are most likely parts about me that you don’t agree. It does not matter. I don’t have to agree and neither do you. You are who you are and there are people out there that love you for just being yourself. Don’t try so hard. If certain people don’t love you, then whatever, be gone with ye peasants. If people aren’t letting you be who you are then those people shouldn’t be in your life. Use the crop tool in your editing menu and just crop them out of there. Bye bye, people that shouldn’t be in my life, bye bye. 

I have come to believe that my home is with God. God loves me for who I am even in my brokenness and my shame. God lets me be me and still loves me. He actually loves me for the fact that I am me. I believe that God made you to be an individual not a part of a faceless crowd. God loves it when he can see you. He doesn’t want to be searching for his son or daughter that he made to stand out. He should just look and be like, “Woop, there you are, you beautiful creation of mine, I see you being all awesome and not being someone else. Go you.”


Don’t cripple yourself in order to belong to this corrupt and insensitive world. You wear the shirt you want to wear, you like the things you want to like, you read the books you want to read, you listen to the music you want to listen to, you talk to people you want to talk to, you love the things you want to love and just be yourself. You do you.



The Side Effect of Death

As the world mourns the death of an amazing actor, Robin Williams, the issue of depression is brought to light. Now I love Robin Williams. I always saw him as the most genuine actor you could find. He was hilarious but he also had something about him that was more than just his humor. 

Hearing about Robin Williams’ death was shocking and saddening but the biggest thing that affected the nation was that he committed suicide.

There have been some ignorant comments from people about how Robin Williams was selfish and that those who do commit suicide are selfish. 

Let’s get this straight.

Depression and sadness are two very different things. While sadness is a feeling, depression is a disease. Sadness is simply one of the symptoms of depression. 

Barbara Kingsolver said this, “Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” 

Depression is a disease that cannot be fully cured. It’s a disease. It isn’t a phase where you’re just sad for a bit. It isn’t all in mind. It’s a legitimate chemical imbalance that causes monoamines which are mood-related chemicals to be very low. It’s a real thing. While it isn’t cancer or a cold like illness, it is still an illness. It’s an illness I don’t want anyone to experience, not even my worst enemies.

Like any illness, depression has symptoms. One of them is wanting to kill yourself. Sometimes you go through with it. Suicide is not a noble act but I don’t think those with depression ever mean for it to be. It’s a means of escaping. Maybe control or trying to be free of yourself. That’s what it is to me at least. I have been dealing with depression for quite a while now but it hit a critical point at the beginning of the last school year. I found myself in a place I never thought I would be. However, while I was at my lowest and at my darkest, I found out that what I battled with every day wasn’t my fault. It was chemical. It wasn’t something I was doing to myself but something that I couldn’t control. 

Growing up, I never really had much. My parents tried their best to make me happy and I am eternally grateful for that but as a child, I was picked on, excluded, bullied, alone and alienated. I never fit in anywhere and the world made sure I knew it. My parents were never really home so I learned to be alone. I also grew up wanting to belong somewhere. I craved for a place where I was welcome. I did anything and everything possible for me to finally fit in. I changed everything about myself to the point I no longer recognized myself. I still don’t. I don’t know who I am fully. I have morphed myself into the image of others that it is still very difficult to understand who I am. With this, I struggled with my faith and often felt and still feel like God has abandoned me. I feel utterly alone but that’s all I’ve ever known so it’s basically normal. 

I’m not the biggest fan of talking about my own depression but I just wanted to make a point that depression isn’t something you just get over. I hate it when people tell me to get over it, to look at the positive side of life, to count my blessings. When they tell me other people have it worse and that I shouldn’t complain, a part of me dies inside. You don’t know what I’m going through. You don’t know the thoughts I have every single day. You don’t know what hurts inside of me. You don’t know. Depression isn’t a competition either. Do not compare mine with others. Do not compare my illness with someone else’s illness either. We are all going through different difficulties in our lives and you comparing the two isn’t making it better. All we want is for you to love us and have an understanding and open heart. Just be there for us. 

We don’t know what others go through. All we can do is be there for them. To love them and to tell them that we love them. To be vulnerable with them to show that it is okay for them to be vulnerable too.

Depression is when you constantly feel worthless and empty. You have no motivation to do anything because you don’t think you can do anything. You feel like the world hates you and you hate the world right back. You shut people out because you don’t think you’re worthy of their love. You come to believe that you are a constant disappointment to those you love. You develop this all or nothing mentality and start to blow things out of proportion. You jump to the worst conclusion as fast as you possibly can. You are sensitive to everything anyone says to you. Being alive and living from day to day gets difficult and tiring. You start to believe that dying is the only viable option. In moments like this, all you need to be reminded that you are loved in so many different ways. You are important. You are so vital to this world. You don’t have to prove your importance to the world because you were born important. God made you because you were important to this world. You are loved. You are so loved. I know things get difficult and you feel the walls closing in. I know you find it hard to breathe and slowly give into the urges. I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom and keep digging. It’s difficult and it hurts a lot. You feel the weight on your shoulders and it crushes your bones. You feel your insides cave in and your world shatter. While you fight your battles, I hope you know that I will be there for you. I don’t know what you are going through and I will not pretend to know but I will support you the entire way. I will help you when you need it and I will love you without end. Please know that. I cannot express enough how important you are.

Don’t ever be ashamed to seek help. Wanting to live without all this pain is not something to be ashamed of. I probably wrote all this in a different post but I’m just reminding you. 

If you don’t have depression, please try and be understanding, sensitive and loving to those who do. 

If you do have depression, I really am sorry and I’m here for you. I will always be here for you. I may not be able to understand fully what you’re going through but I will try my best to make sure that you know that you are loved. 

Please, if you need help, find it. 

Call this number if you need it, 1-800-273-8255. 

I love you guys. 



Standing on the Shoulders of Giants


I am having trouble sleeping as I think about the fact that I will be leaving this beautiful city of London tomorrow. I do not want to go. I do not. 

London has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. This entire month has changed my life in so many amazing ways. 

I have seen some of the most beautiful sights. I have experience some of the most amazing things. I have met some of the greatest people this world has to offer. 

The people that I have met on this trip has made me realize how beautiful the world really is. I cannot imagine my life without these people now.

It’s going to be so weird going back. 

I’ll try and summarize what I have done in the past week.

I saw Richard III and met Martin Freeman. We are in love now. NBD.

I went to the Harry Potter Studio Tours and cried a million years of happiness. That place literally holds 10 years of my childhood. We are also in love. NBD.

I went to the Cliffs of Dover and fell in love there too.

I walked under the Thames. That’s right, there’s a tunnel that goes under the Thames. So I literally walked under the Thames. Crazy.

I went to a drag race. I absolutely love the London LGBT community. I’ll write on that separately.

I went and did a bunch of stuff with a bunch of awesome people. 

On our last night, a few of my favorite people and I went out to dinner and then walked along the Thames. On our way back, I was sitting on the tube and for a moment as my friends chatted away and laughed together, I realized how lucky I was to be able to have met such amazing people. It really made me understand how amazing life can be. These beautiful people really made this trip what it is. It brought back the hope and faith I lost a while ago. I will never know what God wants from me but whatever it is, as long as he keeps bringing people like the ones I’ve met on this trip into my life, I know I’ll be fine. 

I really do plan on moving to London one day. I know I belong here. Whatever it is I do with my life, I will make sure it will bring me to London. This city is beautiful and filled with amazing sights. I have truly come to value the importance of keeping history alive. On the two pound coin here, it says “Standing on the shoulder’s of giants.” It really describes this entire country. England is built upon thousands of years of history. Some of the most amazing people from history who have changed the world are from here. 

I will never forget this place and this entire experience. 

My first love will always be London.